Nightmare on C Street

I am starting to fear bedtime because of what my head will throw at me. I've always had nightmares in times of stress and this is no different. Whilst I am coping fine consciously, my subconscious is clearly being left to deal with all the anxiety, worry and fear of future results and it seems to deal best in the form of nightmares. Not the sweating, tossing and turning type, just the sort that leave you feeling hugely grateful when you wake up and realise it was a dream. 


I have just woken from a pleasant little episode where Armageddon struck. Huge floods were wiping out my loved ones and the rest of the world. Normal people turned into murderers and looters. I had to make it across town to save the animals that people had abandoned whilst people shot at me and tsunamis almost killed me. I started growing vines in my mouth out of my gums, thin green swaying vines filled with blood that I had to chew off before they choked me. Each time I chewed one my mouth filled with blood and my teeth came loose and broke apart.


When I woke up I could taste blood where I was biting my skin off as I slept, and my teeth ache as though I have been grinding them hard in my sleep. 


I wish it was just a one-off but I've been having them for about two months, perhaps 5 times a week. Not always as bad as this one, which has prompted me to note it down, but severe enough that I feel permanently tired and unrested. Ah well. 


Today we are off to see a local woodland burial ground that I found last week when I planned my funeral. Not because I think I'm about to die, although this has been a wake up call. It's just one of those things that I feel a lot better for doing, and it wasn't anywhere near as morbid as it sounds; in fact it was quite freeing to plan it the way I would like it. The burial ground is where I think I'd like to be laid in but I may as well go and check it out to be sure. It reminds me of an old lady I once saw in the Pere Lechaise cemetery in Paris. She was tending to (what I presume was) her husband's grave but the headstone had room for her on it. At the time, being in my early 20's and feeling invincible, I thought it was weird to know and even think about your funeral but as I've got older and more practical I have seen the benefits in being foreplanned. 


The final thing to note is that I told my other best friend yesterday. He didn't take the news well, which reminded me why I haven't told people. I can't deal with their emotions as well as my own. He will hopefully come and see me in hospital and whilst I'm recuperating at home though so at least I won't be as bored.