The Battle and The Race

On seeing a friend's sponsorship ask for Cancer Research's 'Race for Life', it dawned on me why I really hate that term, as well as "battling cancer".

It implies that the brave, the fit, the worthy, survive cancer. That the people who die of cancer didn't run fast or far enough, didn't fight hard enough, were weak and unworthy of their lives. They lost the battle against it, the race for life, and if only they'd have tried harder and fought better, they would have won.

I'm sorry but it just doesn't work that way. There is no way of battling or racing this thing. The only control I have had is going to the doctor as soon as I found it (check) and taking the treatments that have been recommended (also check). Along the way, I was repeatedly assured that it probably hasn't spread, that we caught it quite early, that we were "going for gold" by doing my groin dissection. So far, in 'fighting' this, I've gone through two general anaesthetic operations, an icecream scoop of calf removed, the loss of eighteen lymph nodes, so many local anaesthetic biopsies that I've lost count, two minor infections, one major infection that very nearly killed me, loss of all sensation in my thigh, permanent nerve damage, the resulting pain, and enough tears to fill a small pond.

Well, guess what. It still came back. Despite all the operations, despite my vigilance, despite the countless hours and the gallons of petrol taking myself to appointments, it still came back twice and it will likely come back again.


I've been counselled along the way by well-meaning people to drink lots of orange juice, to try herbal supplements, to eat more tumeric. I am the first person to admit that my diet isn't the best it could be. Although I'm vegan, I could still eat a lot more fruit and veg, and fewer doughnuts. I did used to exercise five times a week, but since my groin dissection, I have shooting pains and burning/stabbing sensations inside my thigh. Running exacerbates this so my training shoes have gone unworn for two years.

Would a better diet and more exercise kill the cancer cells? That's the only thing I can actively do to 'fight' it. How would that beat a genetic mutation and molecular defect?

Whatever happens, whether I get better, stay the same or die from this, just please don't refer to it as my 'battle'. There is no real fighting to be done, no race to win. I am not a brave cancer warrior, just a woman doing my best and following medical advice. I really hope I survive, but if I die, please don't say I "lost my fight". Say instead that I lived and tried the best I could, the same as we all do.